gross.

today i've cleaned up pee, fingerpaint, gummi bears and blood... this is how charlie sheen's maid must feel.

Bumper Sticker Ideas

GOD LOVES YOU
but Jesus thinks you're a douchebag

I'VE GOT THE NEED, THE NEED FOR SPEED
do you know where I can find some? my regular guy got busted

IT'S NOT ROAD RAGE, I HAVE TOURETTE'S

seriously, I have Tourette's, you cock shit suckbag

Orange Trash (a.k.a. "The Snooki Situation")

There is a disturbing epidemic of spray-tanned sluttiness in this country (and maybe world-wide, I don't know - like most Americans, I only pay attention to what is happening here and show little to no interest in the goings-on of the rest of the world).  The coverage of this epidemic used to be confined to Mtv and E!, but it is spreading like unchecked herpes and has infected Bravo, VH1 and nearly every other station - not even the Discovery Channel is safe.

bathing suit shopping

as I get older, shopping for bathing suits makes me feel like a military strategist - "okay, the real trouble spots are here and over here, let's make sure we've got those well-camoflauged. we'll need extra coverage in the rear, it's a pretty wide area with a lot of potential problems. this middle part here is a hotbed of rebel activity, there's no telling what might happen there, let's just try to control it the best we can and hope we don't draw attention to ourselves."

Reality TV

I have a few ideas for reality shows that I just want to put out there, so that when they inevitably get made I might get a small consulting fee, or at least be entitled to an outburst of righteous indignation ("hey, they STOLE my idea!") when the promo for said reality show airs on Bravo.

American Criminal - the most heinous criminals from various prisons across the U.S. are sent to live in one big correctional facility, where a camera crew films them Big Brother style. Each week, viewers can text their vote for the criminal they'd most like to see executed.

The Real Hut-Wives of Afghanistan - I think the title is pretty much self-explanatory

America's Got Talons - a reality show devoted to people obsessed with their pet birds.

Who Wants to Be a Money-Grubbing Whore? - Oh wait, this show already exists and it's called "Millionaire Matchmaker."

I think we can all agree...

... that coke whores are significantly classier than crack whores.

he went to jared

I love Christmas - the music, the lights, the food, the sense of family togetherness that warms you like a shot of Wild Turkey. There's one thing about the holiday that makes me want to vomit, though - those inane, cringe-inducing "He went to Jared!" advertisements that air every commercial break ad nauseam throughout the Christmas season. I don't know who these commercials are supposed to be targeting - every male I know changes the channel as soon as one comes on and every female I know is offended at how poorly portrayed the women are - the Jared's commercials make it seem like we are all vapid, squealing, jewel-lusting bitches. It's hard to decide what's worst about these ads - the cheeseball actors, the blatant sexism or the fact that they promote a fucked-up capitalist dynamic in which the only way to show your woman you truly love her is by buying her a glittery piece of crap made of rocks mined by some poor kid in the third world.