gross.

today i've cleaned up pee, fingerpaint, gummi bears and blood... this is how charlie sheen's maid must feel.

Bumper Sticker Ideas

GOD LOVES YOU
but Jesus thinks you're a douchebag

I'VE GOT THE NEED, THE NEED FOR SPEED
do you know where I can find some? my regular guy got busted

IT'S NOT ROAD RAGE, I HAVE TOURETTE'S

seriously, I have Tourette's, you cock shit suckbag

Orange Trash (a.k.a. "The Snooki Situation")

There is a disturbing epidemic of spray-tanned sluttiness in this country (and maybe world-wide, I don't know - like most Americans, I only pay attention to what is happening here and show little to no interest in the goings-on of the rest of the world).  The coverage of this epidemic used to be confined to Mtv and E!, but it is spreading like unchecked herpes and has infected Bravo, VH1 and nearly every other station - not even the Discovery Channel is safe.

bathing suit shopping

as I get older, shopping for bathing suits makes me feel like a military strategist - "okay, the real trouble spots are here and over here, let's make sure we've got those well-camoflauged. we'll need extra coverage in the rear, it's a pretty wide area with a lot of potential problems. this middle part here is a hotbed of rebel activity, there's no telling what might happen there, let's just try to control it the best we can and hope we don't draw attention to ourselves."