#oldladystyle

I've never been terribly fashionable (I went through a very unfortunate overalls-phase that lasted much longer than it should have) but I usually like trendy, stylish clothing even though I seldom wear it.  Lately, though, I have noticed a distinct change in my clothing tastes - I was in Macy's and as I walked through the Juniors section I found myself disgusted with how trashy all of the clothes for young women are now.  I actually stopped at one point to hold the hem of a rayon dress and tsk-tsk over how cheap and tacky the lace was, and then it hit me - that is precisely something my aunt would do, and she is IN HER SEVENTIES!!!  I then proceeded through the Misses department, where I found something I liked ("heavens me, that's a cute top") and I bought it using a coupon.  I've even found myself gravitating toward the window of Chico's, lord help me.  Not yet.  I'm not quite ready for Chico's, Talbots, etc.., although I do own a dress from Ann Taylor LOFT and it is the softest thing in the world, it's like wearing a dress made out of butter.  Old lady items are beginning to infiltrate my closet, though - sensible flats, silk-blend sweater sets, wool skirts that hit at the knee.  Classic, well-made pieces sewn from high quality fabric.  Sometimes I pine for the days when I bought cheap polyester clothes that showed way too much of my taut young skin.  Maybe I'm just pining for my taut young skin.  Now I've got a pale, flabby old lady body that needs to be dressed strategically to camoflauge trouble spots. #fuckit

flowers

I hate getting flowers.  The gesture is nice and I appreciate the sentiment, but the inherent wastefulness of it annoys me.  If someone is going to spend $50 for something that's going to be gone in two weeks, I'd rather have a bottle of scotch.

gross.

today i've cleaned up pee, fingerpaint, gummi bears and blood... this is how charlie sheen's maid must feel.

Bumper Sticker Ideas

GOD LOVES YOU
but Jesus thinks you're a douchebag

I'VE GOT THE NEED, THE NEED FOR SPEED
do you know where I can find some? my regular guy got busted

IT'S NOT ROAD RAGE, I HAVE TOURETTE'S

seriously, I have Tourette's, you cock shit suckbag

Orange Trash (a.k.a. "The Snooki Situation")

There is a disturbing epidemic of spray-tanned sluttiness in this country (and maybe world-wide, I don't know - like most Americans, I only pay attention to what is happening here and show little to no interest in the goings-on of the rest of the world).  The coverage of this epidemic used to be confined to Mtv and E!, but it is spreading like unchecked herpes and has infected Bravo, VH1 and nearly every other station - not even the Discovery Channel is safe.

bathing suit shopping

as I get older, shopping for bathing suits makes me feel like a military strategist - "okay, the real trouble spots are here and over here, let's make sure we've got those well-camoflauged. we'll need extra coverage in the rear, it's a pretty wide area with a lot of potential problems. this middle part here is a hotbed of rebel activity, there's no telling what might happen there, let's just try to control it the best we can and hope we don't draw attention to ourselves."

Reality TV

I have a few ideas for reality shows that I just want to put out there, so that when they inevitably get made I might get a small consulting fee, or at least be entitled to an outburst of righteous indignation ("hey, they STOLE my idea!") when the promo for said reality show airs on Bravo.

American Criminal - the most heinous criminals from various prisons across the U.S. are sent to live in one big correctional facility, where a camera crew films them Big Brother style. Each week, viewers can text their vote for the criminal they'd most like to see executed.

The Real Hut-Wives of Afghanistan - I think the title is pretty much self-explanatory

America's Got Talons - a reality show devoted to people obsessed with their pet birds.

Who Wants to Be a Money-Grubbing Whore? - Oh wait, this show already exists and it's called "Millionaire Matchmaker."